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What to do when you don't know what to do - Major depressive episode

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Posts: 1
Joined: 12 Jun 2017
Relationship: Friend
gender: female
Region: Lower Mainland BC
City or Region: North Vancouver

What to do when you don't know what to do - Major depressive episode

Unread postby SusinBC » 12 Jun 2017

My dearest friend is lost.
He and I have been very close for the past 16 months.
He's going through a very dark time right now.
He's suffered domestic abuse at the hands of his wife for many years. Last episode was last year... Physically threatening.
He needs and wants to leave, but is so stuck and overwhelmed at all that needs doing and has now come to the (real or perceived) realization that there is so much to do, he's so stuck. His wife is biding her time as their life is quite comfortable and of course, things would change needing two homes for the kids (one just graduated, the other a few more years of school left)
Last year, I encouraged him to find a counsellor.
He's very anti-counsellor/therapy for a variety of reasons.
He did it though, and she was amazing for him. Amazing. Helped set his head straight.

She's gone on maternity leave. While her voice mail and email still accept messages, He reached out to her to see when she might be back, and/or if there was someone else she could suggest.
He has seen others since. One for just him, where he was put off by her for this reason or that.
The other was a couples counsellor who helped get to the crux of the marriage breakdown and brought that onto the table. This was good, but as for a one on one... she may not be a good fit.

He despises everything right now, including himself. Feelings of worthlessness, and inability to accomplish anything. He finds breathing difficult. His Son's graduation last week and having to deal with his estranged wife and her antics... then going home and realizing he's done nothing in terms of moving forward with the separation has put him in a place I've never seen. He's pushed me away... to a degree. We don't live in the same city, so don't actually visit regularly. I wish I was closer so I could get him out and about and just 'be'.. and not coop himself up in the spare bedroom where he sleeps.

He's quite adverse to 'psychobabble' and finds it insulting, yet at one time he realized that there was a time and place for a wee bit.

It's been a week, he's as bad if not worse than he was. Very detached.
Last night we had dialogue for over 2 hours via text. It was horrible. He was vicious to him/me and everything in the world. I know the routine. Try to break me so I'll say mean/nasty things so he can be justified in his horrible cloud of self doubt and feelings of worthlessness.
I just told him "I'm here if you need me"
It was hard. I want to tell him how much he's hurting me, but almost feel that's what he wants. He's good at not communicating when he gets in this space, but he deliberately kept me engaged... yet in such a negative space.

He is VERY successful in his livelihood and is highly regarded and respected. He's a good man in a really bad space with no feelings of light or relief out of his situation.

So... what can I do for my friend who won't seek help, dismisses every suggestion, and anything religious, spiritual or 'psychobabble-ish' sets him off.
The woman he saw last year, was so good for him. September I believe it'll be a year for her being away.
He has many acquaintances but NO friends other than me. Now he's pushed me away like never before. Not a suggestion is met with a glimmer of any positivity... he finds fault and failure in everything in life right now. Especially himself.

I just don't know what to do for him other than suggesting he see his physician, and letting him know I'm here if he needs me.

Thank you for listening...

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