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need help in managing stress

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Dauther199
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need help in managing stress

Unread postby Dauther199 » 18 Mar 2016

Hello, I have not written for a while. In short two years ago my mom became very ill, I managed to take a to a doctor and over all she is doing kind of ok now. He prescribed her medicines for scizofrenia, although she is not officially diagnosed. They help her to be kind of organized and to function but she has very hard time dealing with anything new. We try to give her heads up, and not to pose unnecessary stress but life happens and it really exhausts me. Two months after her episode my brother's girlfriend got pregnant. although she was a bit better, he desided that it will be best if he waited to tell my parents (he lives abroad). They got married and actually told them few months later, for which I actually understand him. Now I am in a similar position, i am also 5 months pregnant and am marrying next saturday. my fiancees parents are coming too and proposed that they meet with my parents maybe the day before the wedding( it is just the signing without any reception or anything). Well we told my parents for the baby and for the wedding well ahead, but now when the event is approaching she starts to think that it is not fair to my brother if they come to the wedding because they werent to his. She got angry and frustrated, reminded me of all my previous boyfriends and why they were better than my current one. I know that in few days she will be all nice and caring . but it is so exhausting, she was trying to convinve me today in cries not to to get married to him. and she was the one who insisted so it is all clear paperwise for the kid.
I just dont know how to minimize these episodes? i love her so much and I know she just gets so sad and angry but it hurts. the week after we told them about the kid, she said she will not love him, because of who the father is and she will only love my niece because my brother and his wife are good and we are not.
it is just so hurting.

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AndrewBCSS
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Re: need help in managing stress

Unread postby AndrewBCSS » 18 Mar 2016

Hi Dauther,
I'm sorry for all the stress. Getting married is stressful enough (good stress sometimes, but sometimes bad stress too) without having your mother get a delusion about your fiancée on top of it.

I suggest letting her doctor know that she doesn't seem to be handling the stress of your getting married very well, and seems to be very anxious. It's possible that he can schedule an extra visit or monitor her more closely. I recommend assigning another calm family member or friend or two to sit with your mother and help her be calm during this time, as you're going to be too busy for that. I'd also suggest, that she might need to have much more quiet time on her own, than attending lots of events, so reducing the number of things she does and the number of people she has to deal with as much as possible. Being in crowds, particularly with people who she doesn't know, can be hard for people with schizophrenia. If that means she's not well enough to attend parts of your wedding (or all of it), can't meet the other parents until later, or can attend the ceremony but bow out of the reception, that's okay. Or maybe she can watch the ceremony from the gallery or near the door so she can go in and out, or have a hotel room to go to be quiet in near by. If people ask, they can be told she wasn't feeling well, and leave it at that.

Good luck and congratulations on your wedding and upcoming baby.

Sincerely,
Sophia
___________________
Andrew Stewart
Operations Manager
British Columbia Schizophrenia Society
A reason to hope. The means to cope.
www.bcss.org

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Dauther199
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Posts: 12
Joined: 17 Aug 2014
Relationship: Other
gender: female
Region: Prefer not to say

Re: need help in managing stress

Unread postby Dauther199 » 19 Mar 2016

Thank you for the reply Sophia,

I think I understand and I try to limit the stressful situations. I get frustrated because I asume it is mostly anticipating the event that worries her, but she tries to put the focus on other stuff and make it my fault. That I did not think of how my brother would feel about them being to my wedding ( 20 minutes civil ceremony, no wedding dress or anything) and it was him who chose at that moment not to tell them he was getting married. How I could think of going to a restaurant after that, and it was supposed to be a dinner for 10 people, me and my fiancee, my and his parents, his sister and husband and the witneses from the ceremony ( something like the best man and maid of honor). I am ok with my parents not comming, but dont want my mom to blame me of how its all my fault for some reason.

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AndrewBCSS
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Posts: 1296
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Location: British Columbia
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Re: need help in managing stress

Unread postby AndrewBCSS » 21 Mar 2016

Hi Dauther,
You don't have any control over what your mother blames you for, which is a good thing as well as a bad thing. I think you should just do what you think is best and if your mom has a problem with it, I encourage you to let go of taking responsibility for it. Her illness will make her brain focus and fix on to strange things and you really can't control that, so it won't be helpful to your own stress levels to try. I suggest telling her that if she is uncomfortable attending your wedding (you might think of this to yourself as her not being well enough to attend), you will understand if she can't make it. That might make her relax, if she doesn't have to go. I'm not sure why your father can't attend though? You could also try asking your brother to call your mom and tell her he is fine with her attending your wedding. It may not help, but it can't hurt.

Sincerely,
Sophia
___________________
Andrew Stewart
Operations Manager
British Columbia Schizophrenia Society
A reason to hope. The means to cope.
www.bcss.org


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