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Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

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Woomera
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Relationship: Spouse (wife, husband, common-law, partner)
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Region: Vancouver Island, BC
City or Region: Sidney

Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby Woomera » 05 Jun 2014

Hello Sophia...thankyou for thinking of me. To be honest , things are much the same. I did contact one of the numbers you provided and it seems there's little anyone can do until a significant event prompts further action. At the moment , things are calmer in general , and I'm grateful for the peace , and I"m hesitant to rock the boat. While it's far from ideal , healthy or desirable , for the moment , it's the way things are.
I AM grateful for your assistance and interest.

Best Regards

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AndrewBCSS
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Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby AndrewBCSS » 06 Jun 2014

I'm glad things are calmer. I'm here of you need me. Sophia
___________________
Andrew Stewart
Operations Manager
British Columbia Schizophrenia Society
A reason to hope. The means to cope.
www.bcss.org

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Woomera
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Relationship: Spouse (wife, husband, common-law, partner)
gender: male
Region: Vancouver Island, BC
City or Region: Sidney

Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby Woomera » 06 Jun 2014

Thankyou...

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Woomera
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Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby Woomera » 06 Jul 2014

Sadly I need your help once again. things progressed as ' normal ' since I last contacted you...not great ( no improvement ) but bearable...until Thursday of this week. My partner ( A ) threw bark mulch at me ( that was on a pitchfork ) then later pushed me to stop me doing something he didn't like , and finally , put the hose on me. I'd had enough , I called the police. One spoke to me , the other to A. I explained that he has 'issues' that led up to the incidents. The officer who spoke to A acknowledged to me that he could see that he had 'issues' etc..acknowledging what I'd said. They also asked me if he'd put his hands on me because if I said yes , they would have to arrest him. I said he 'brushed' past me feeling that being arrested would be too much ? Perhaps that was a mistake on my part ? The officers then said one of us had to leave - we both couldn't stay in the house overnight , so I left to stay with a friend.

When I returned on Friday morning I just walked to the house ( to see if there was any damage - there was not ) and decided to try his Dr once again. I called and made a appointment. As I left , I went to him and said " We need to talk " - in a calm voice - not threatening. He was watering his parsley plants at the time. He said " OK " ( without lifting his head ) and continued to water ( NOTHING interrupts his watering...) I waited while he did a few plants , and when it was clear he didn't intend to stop , I walked to the car. Just as I was driving off , he appeared... I kept going.

I arrived at the Dr's and the receptionist said that she was just going to call me ? She then went on to say that there wasn't much the Dr could do , etc. I told her a few things that had happened recently , including the call to the police and she agreed to let me see the Dr. This was not his 'usual' physician but another Dr in the same practise. His long-term Dr retired in November ( I had been to see him twice without success ) and A was transferred to another Dr in the practise. Unfortunately , she is on extended medical leave and the last 2 or 3 times A's been ( for prescriptions and a rash ) he's seen other Drs in the practise. Clearly , I was wasting my time... The Dr I spoke to scribbled a few notes on his chart and dismissed me.
I came home again - he's not speaking.

On Sat he went out for a few hours so I called a friend whose husband is a lawyer in the US ( not 100% familiar with Canadian law in this area ) . They gave me the same advice ( look after yourself , see a lawyer...)
I then came home and called the Vancouver Island Crisis line as I was told they ( by you too I think ) have an intervention team. The lady I spoke to was very helpful. Later that afternoon he took our dog for a walk , and when I realised he was coming back , I had some sort of anxiety / panic attack. I called the Crisis Line again and they told me to go to my local hospital. I did. I was evaluated , spoke to the head nurse I believe and a Dr , and was released.

Today there is no change. He's not speaking , and I doubt he ever will. He went to the supermarket and came home with some groceries that are now in the fridge with the handles of the plastic shopping bag tied in multiple knots ( meaning DON'T TOUCH!! ). He will not calm down , or ' forgive' me...he'll just totally ignore me. My question is What do I do now ? I can't do anything if he won't talk to me ? As I've said for so long , I need ' someone' to talk to him on my behalf as I certainly can't , and I can't impose on the 2 or 3 friends we have...I've done that enough already... I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ???

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AndrewBCSS
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Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby AndrewBCSS » 07 Jul 2014

Hi Woomera,
I'm really glad you protected yourself by calling the police. That took a lot of courage and was smart.

Your body must be full of adrenaline right now. I know mine would be. That makes it hard to think and plan, so I'm going to offer you some practical advice.

If you do just one thing, call this number: 1-800-563-0808 and ask for help in planning how to move out and live somewhere safe. It's time to leave. The line is called victimlink and they provide information and help when someone's partner is hurting them. They help men as well as women.

The reason you hare a having a hard time figuring out what to do is because your body is full of adrenaline from what happened and is happening. Once you are away and safe, that will slowly settle down and you will have an easier time planning. So for now, just keep it simple. Leave. You don't have to do any of it perfectly.

You've tested the theory that giving it more time might work. It didn't help, so now you get to do something different.

No matter what is causing his behaviour, it's endangering and hurting you, and the first thing to do is to protect yourself, by cutting off his access to you. It's better for you and it's better for him. Once you are out, you will have an easier time figuring out what to do and getting him assessed by people who can help him, because you won't have to worry as much about the consequences.

If you need to call the police again, press charges and let them arrest him. It will help. It's really common for people in situations like yours to feel like you don't want to press assault charges with the police, especially the first time it happens. We don't want to think it has gotten that bad, and want to believe it's not as serious as it is. I think in future it will work better if you do press charges. It sounds like that's what you are thinking too. If his assault of you is coming from his illness, it will help get help for him. This situation was a clear example of where the police could have taken him to a hospital under the mental health act for assessment and treatment. "The police officer must be satisfied the person is apparently suffering from a mental disorder, as defined in the Act, and is acting in a manner likely to endanger their own safety or that of others."

If his assaults and controlling behaviour are coming also from a belief that he is entitled to hurt you, then pressing charges sets a clear boundary, and will help a lot later if you need a restraining order or to separate your assets. I had something similar happen to a friend and she really regretted not pressing charges, because having it documented that he was abusive (which doesn't happen if you don't press charges) would have really helped legally later for things like restraining orders and divorce. You deserve to be safe and free from violence. The silent treatment, making it be your fault, assaulting you randomly, controlling money, controlling what you do, controlling your access to other people, all of this is part of a really common pattern with people who abuse their partners.

He has no right to be angry at you for calling the police. He's the one who assaulted you, three times, and people who assault other people get arrested. It's a normal and expected consequence of the action he chose.


Ideally after you move out or at the same time, contact the intervention team to have him assessed for a mental health issue at your home, based on the sudden change in behaviour, and worsening violence. I'm sorry the family doctors weren't helpful, but it's not unexpected. They are not the right people to handle this. It's why we have mental health teams. I understand that you might feel more comfortable going to a family doctor with this, but it's just not their area of expertise and they just won't be able to help you. You will need mental health services. It sounds like you already have that number but if not let me know and I'll get it for you.

Warmly,
Sophia
___________________
Andrew Stewart
Operations Manager
British Columbia Schizophrenia Society
A reason to hope. The means to cope.
www.bcss.org

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Woomera
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Posts: 21
Joined: 04 Sep 2013
Relationship: Spouse (wife, husband, common-law, partner)
gender: male
Region: Vancouver Island, BC
City or Region: Sidney

Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby Woomera » 07 Jul 2014

Thankyou Sophia.....at the moment , I'm like a 'deer in the headlights'....frozen. I tried the crisis line AGAIN this morning and they were unable to help me. I don't mean to go in circles, but what I REALLY NEED right this moment is someone , ANYONE to be with me while I try to speak to him. I can't impose on neighbours again...that would make things too difficult all around. In hindsight , I probably SHOULD have pressed charges , although the physical altercation was not ' major ' . I've done my very BEST to ask for help from the intervention team , but seems to get nowhere. From what I can see , they are more likely to intervene in a case where someone is a danger to themselves , rather than to me ? I've made my situation very clear but it doesn't seem to help. I seem to be the situation that falls through the cracks. I think more people have their own support ( friends / family ) and find help that way ? I really don't know....

I will contact a neighbour and see if I can go there to call VictimLink. It may be a while before I can be in touch , but I'll do my best to update you when I can. thankyou once again

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AndrewBCSS
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Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby AndrewBCSS » 07 Jul 2014

Hi Woomera,

It completely makes sense you would feel like a deer in the headlights. It's a very normal thing for you body to do given what has happened. I would feel the same way.

Here's some information on emergency housing. It's in Victoria. There doesn't seem to be any in Sidney. The #70 Downtown express bus will take you to Victoria from Sidney and costs $2.50. Hold on to your transfer. Once on a bus you can ask how to get to the next place by bus.

Next Steps - Victoria Cool Aid Society 2317 Dowler Place, Victoria 250-381-2159
Men and Women

Rock Bay Landing - Victoria Cool Aid Society 535 Ellice Street, Victoria 250-383-1951
Men, Women and Families

I suggest putting your money, identification, and any small personal or valuable objects you want to keep with you in a bag, along with some clean underwear, socks and couple of shirts and just leave the house. If there are papers to do with any of your/joint assets or finances that you have access to, you might want to take those too. Once you are outside and away you can go from there. If you have access to a smart phone, McDonald's restaurants almost always has free wifi internet.

I will call the Vancouver LGTBQ centre and see if they have any suggestions. I will report back here on what I find.

Wishing you courage, luck and safety,
Sophia
___________________
Andrew Stewart
Operations Manager
British Columbia Schizophrenia Society
A reason to hope. The means to cope.
www.bcss.org

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Woomera
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Posts: 21
Joined: 04 Sep 2013
Relationship: Spouse (wife, husband, common-law, partner)
gender: male
Region: Vancouver Island, BC
City or Region: Sidney

Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby Woomera » 07 Jul 2014

Thankyou Sophia....I've just returned from the neighbour's where I called VictimLink. Again , they're looking to provide ME counselling. He's not physically threatening to me at the moment..as long as I stay clear I'm not any in immediate danger. I believe I have an option that might help me achieve what I'm looking for ( don't worry , it does NOT involve self -harm and I mean that sincerely )..I just have to figure out how to implement it. While it's not pleasant here in the house , I DO have access to more resources than I would if I left and I have to tell you that I couldn't take hearing that I need counselling one more time. That may be true , but at the moment I have to try something else. As always your input is greatly appreciated..I don't wish to appear ungrateful for you efforts.

Sincere Thanks

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Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby AndrewBCSS » 07 Jul 2014

I get it. You have to do what feels right for you, and you have more information about what is going on than I or anyone else does to make those decisions with. It's also scary and takes time to figure out how to leave.

Hmmm... yes, it wasn't counselling I was referring you to victimlink for, but problem-solving help, and information about resources for leaving the house. Eg: If you are living on your own and don't have access to money for example, how to connect with social services and inexpensive housing, free legal advice and things like that. I guess that can feel like counselling, but I was thinking of something more problem-solving oriented, like information and referrals, so you have options for when things escalate again and can talk it through. I agree that actual counselling is well down on the list. Yes, victimlink is for you, not him, basically to have someone knowledgeable to figure out what to do to get yourself physically safe with, so you can go from there.

Your partner needs a mental health assessment from the mental health team. This is where they come out to your place and talk to your partner and figure out what's wrong with him. Please tell them that he has been violent toward you and is controlling your access to the phone and other people, even if it's embarrassing, so they have all the information they need. If he has a mental disorder, and is at risk to harm you, that meets the criteria for him to be admitted to the hospital for treatment even if he doesn't agree. They can determine that and you can ask them to hospitalize him, that you are worried for your safety and had to call the police recently. They might even be able to talk him into coming in to the hospital to get checked out voluntarily.

If you do need to call the police again, I would agree with you that pressing charges will work best. In order to get him taken to the hospital for assessment (the police can do that) you can let the police know that you believe your partner is suffering from some kind of mental disorder. Ask them directly to take him to the hospital to be checked out for a mental health issue. They can make your partner go, even if he doesn't want to.

I put in a call to the Victoria office of the BC Schizophrenia Society to ask what the procedure is in your area to get a mental health assessment, which is where they come to your house to figure out what is going on. I will let you know when I hear back from them.

Sincerely,
Sophia
___________________
Andrew Stewart
Operations Manager
British Columbia Schizophrenia Society
A reason to hope. The means to cope.
www.bcss.org

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Woomera
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Posts: 21
Joined: 04 Sep 2013
Relationship: Spouse (wife, husband, common-law, partner)
gender: male
Region: Vancouver Island, BC
City or Region: Sidney

Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby Woomera » 07 Jul 2014

Thankyou Sophia....he REALLY needs an assessment and my inability to get that for him really pi**es me off ( apologies ). Even if I DID leave...tore everything apart ( our lives I mean ) HE'S still in need of help...so what would all my efforts achieve ? I'd just destroy everything and he'd still be a mess. How is that desirable.... If you COULD inquire about an assessment , I'd greatly appreciate it before everything goes down the toilet once and for all

Sincerely

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Woomera
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City or Region: Sidney

Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby Woomera » 07 Jul 2014

I would be more than happy to supply a list of contacts ( neighbours, friends ) who can confirm what I'm saying...they've all experienced it too , albeit to a much lesser degree. I'm happy for the team to talk to THEM before me to help them decide whether or not to proceed ?

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Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby AndrewBCSS » 07 Jul 2014

My reasoning is that you leaving could clear some space to allow you to help get him help (make phone calls, go and talk to service providers etc...), while securing your physical safety until he can get treated. I will let you know what my local colleagues say about how to get him assessed. If you private message me with your actual details (address, your name, his name, and your permission to ask on your behalf) I can look into it more directly for you.
___________________
Andrew Stewart
Operations Manager
British Columbia Schizophrenia Society
A reason to hope. The means to cope.
www.bcss.org

User avatar
Woomera
Regular Poster
Posts: 21
Joined: 04 Sep 2013
Relationship: Spouse (wife, husband, common-law, partner)
gender: male
Region: Vancouver Island, BC
City or Region: Sidney

Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby Woomera » 07 Jul 2014

I will do that immediately..as soon as I find the direct message link ?

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Woomera
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Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby Woomera » 07 Jul 2014

I sent you a message , it shows SENT in the title , but it's still in the outbox with a (1) next to it , as though it hasn't gone ? I'll copy it into a new PM and see if it goes..?

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Woomera
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Relationship: Spouse (wife, husband, common-law, partner)
gender: male
Region: Vancouver Island, BC
City or Region: Sidney

Re: Partner has issues - I don't know what to do

Unread postby Woomera » 07 Jul 2014

I tried to PM ...twice , there are 2 messages in the OUTBOX but they show as SENT ( but I'm not sure they're gone..)


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